In dad's shoes!

Every time when someone says 'K' looks exactly like you my heart misses a beat. I gulp! That strange feeling of not wanting your child to be like you. Memories of your life run through the mind. You remember the timid, average, noisy, clumsy, rebellious, and lazy individual you were at various stages of life. Of course, you don't want your child to be that, right? 

Then you wish there will be that gene from the wifey, which perhaps might make him a different human being. Perhaps he will go on to become a successful, clear-headed, and loving human being like his grandmom. Surely there will be some remnant of her passed on right? I pacify the troubled heart.

Suddenly yesterday I saw 'K' doing something with his wrists. Almost like throwing a ball from the back of your hand. The wifey had a wry smile. "He is imitating you", she said; "You do that bowling action no, he is doing the same"! Well, apparently they even imitate your actions. Can't I now sit on my sofa with my legs on it? Can't I just be myself? Ah, the complicated world of parenting!

'K' today decided to play with my flip-flops. He had both of them on and tried walking. They were huge. It almost felt like his legs were an afterthought. The wifey made a sarcastic comment, "In Appa's shoes". There went the heart again. It missed yet another beat! I gulped again. I know it was just an analogy and he wasn't following exactly my path. Yet, the phrase had so much meaning. Ain't it? How will 'K's life be if he follows the same path? The one less trodden, filled with failures and insecurities all along. Of course, it had been one heck of a ride. Is it okay to warrant the same roller coaster for your child? Or should I wish a smooth, seamless life for him?  

The questions that throng my mind every day, I tell you.

For the longest time, my dad was my hero. The ultimate rockstar. When he drove the bullet, I awed at him. I proudly told the world that he is a doctor. At least till the teens, he remained the hero. Mom became a hero later on in life and remained so till the end. Did they know that I was following in their footsteps? Did they panic? Did their hearts flutter too? Or were they sure when they let their hands off me, that I might end up following them? Were they okay if I did follow them? Or didn't? 

Through all the loud white noise of the mind, in the innermost hearts, I know there is no running away from it. For now, there is a human, albeit a miniature version, a human nevertheless, who thinks it is fun to be in his dad's shoes. 

I better be careful! 

Surely following his dad! 

Perhaps his mom too! 

                                                                                                 The scary thought of following in the father's footsteps

Disappointment with God

 

I had just had a huge failure in life. The future looked bleak. I was confused. The phone call rang at that time. I remember the call like it was yesterday. It was my mom. It didn’t start with the usual “Sam di chellam” excitement. It started off with “Sam ma” and then she stopped. Her voice quivered. She stuttered. I’m diagnosed with cancer. Final stages. She said these words and cried. I was in faraway land. I was still a student then. The next few hours were hazy. I don’t remember any of them. Just have vague memories of a friend putting me to the airport and the long flight back home with tears rolling by. I remember the neighbour on the flight asking me whether I need help. There, on that long flight journey, started my inner struggle with God and disappointments with Him. 

God is not fair at all. Here is my mother, the greatest human being I have seen, my pillar of strength, my best friend, one of the best doctors this part of the world has seen, adored & loved by everyone around, having to go through this. I mean, people throng to see her to get healed. I have heard people say they come to see her smile. How many more could she have cured? If only God had been fair
The struggle within the heart of the young adult then was intense and the pain was real. 

As days went by, and with every passing day for the next ten months, I fought with God. He was not fair after all. I tried to reason out with him. ‘Perhaps He didn’t think through it well.’‘My mom would be a blessing to many more if God would heal her.’
Simple logic, ain’t it? But why didn’t God get it? I asked the question many times. The questions my heart had then had no answers. Life had no answers. 

In your early twenties, you are taught to be strong. To show the world outside that you are strong. Also, me being the elder in the family, warranted me to be strong. At least I thought so. I was to guide my younger brother, traumatized father and troubled mother through this phase, I told myself. I was broken inside, often fighting back tears, fighting depression and fighting God but on the outside, I showed myself to be strong. 

Did God fail me? 

Of course, He failed me! Those ten months He failed me every day. I clearly remember one day at the hospital; a fine woman of God came to pray for amma. She said, “Not a hair on your head will fall”, as a promise. I clutched onto it. In fact, I hung onto every small positive verse in the Bible and thought that was God trying to tell me something. Very soon chemotherapy started and not a single strand of hair on my mother’s head stood at the end of it all. In that sense, God failed me. He failed me big time! He failed me every time. 

As I look back now, nine years later, here are a few lessons I learnt through it all. 

 

1) God fails people: I’m sorry, I’m not going to sugar coat and say God never fails. He fails people, often. It’s not God’s job to make all our wishes come true; He’s not our personal genie or fairy godmother. God doesn’t work the way we expect. We can’t make plans for God and expect him to follow us. He is not, in the words of C. S. Lewis, a tame lion. God doesn’t always work the way we expect. Elijah expected God to be earthquake, wind, and fire. He expected God to turn the people back to HIm instantaneously. But God didn’t work the way Elijah thought HE would. God can also work through a whisper; He can (and does) use other things to bring people back to Him. From my perspective, I am pretty sure that my mom would have been a blessing to many more if only she had lived longer. He fails, because our understanding of God’s success and His understanding of the world are sometimes opposite. Does God mean good for me? He does, but His definition of what good means for His people is vastly different from what I define as good for me. Every time when God fail me now, after the struggle within through that year, I tell myself, perhaps there is something good which God sees through it. What is that good which God saw through my mom’s sickness? I don’t know. I don’t see. But He sees it, and that is the most important thing.

 

2) Master is always right: On the day my mom passed away, in the funeral service, my dad made a statement, which has stayed with me. “Master is always right”. He means good for me. In His sight it is good, even if I don’t see it. But the most important thing is, the master is always right. He decides what He wants to do with my life. I’m but to follow whatever he wants me to do with my life. 

 

3) Time heals: Does time heal? I have often asked myself this question. There have been days when I have missed amma, days when without amma life is very unpleasant, and I have wondered what a joy it would have been for her to be around; but to be really honest, those days are becoming fewer and fewer. As time goes by, the hurt has gone off. I do miss Mom. I still think my life would have been so much better if she had been there but time has healed me. We have all learnt to live without her and God has helped us to overcome the trauma of it all slowly but surely. 

 

 

4) Where else do I turn to? As frivolous as this may sound, every time when life has been very difficult, I have only turned to God, for the simple reason that I don’t have anywhere else to turn to. To cling on to the hope that God means good for me and only God can mean good for me through everything in life is the single biggest lesson I have learnt through it all. I cling onto God, for there is nowhere else to go to. 

 

I often think, if God conducts a wrestling match and wants to select people, I will be among the top choice, for I fight with God often. I lose hope and faith every other day. Failures have thronged my life and many times I have declared God dead in me. It has been many years of the fight, and I suppose it is going to be many more years of it. God has failed me, will fail me but I go back to him, coz where else will I go, if not to His Love that has meant good for me in His own world and in His time.

When we commit our way to the Lord, we can be sure that even through life’s disappointments, God is big enough and good enough to get us on the best path, even if it’s not quite what we hoped for.