How does it feel to be a father, Sam? The question was repeated for the umpteenth time; As I joined back work today after what had been a crazy week and a half, I took time to gather my thoughts together to answer that question. How does it feel to be a father?
It surely does feel a little nervous! As someone who had been extremely independent, a little too distracted, and surely as someone who could never fit into the societal box, it really feels nervous to be holding a child with the responsibility of guiding it through this wild vile world. How do you teach him to do 'X' without him learning to be 'Y'? How does it work, for someone as arrogant as I'm, to teach a young kid humility and empathy? Won't your child look at you and look at the insecurity? Would he learn to say 'Please' and 'sorry' and 'Thanks', rather than learn from the world of toxic masculinity? Ah, the nervous questions the mind throws at you!
How does it feel to be a father? It surely feels surreal. I had always been good with children. Always! The niece I loved the most, loved me the most when she was a toddler. Every time 'G' called me 'tham thittha' (sam chitha), I felt loved. When we ran around playing 'catch-me', it felt natural. Yet, this feels bizarre as the helpless, small kid lying on his back and rolling his eyes all the time, somehow had to call me the father and love me! Perhaps, with time the sense of love and wonder will take over. But for now, Surreal is the word.
It surely feels exciting! As someone who relishes new challenges, novel ideas, and fresh learnings, what better field than fatherhood to learn and experiment😜
It also feels a little complete! I have been an ardent advocate of being complete in oneself. Whatever that means, I sincerely believe every individual is and should be complete in themselves. As much as I think my previous lines have been real and true, fatherhood does bring a 'completed' feeling to life.
So, how does fatherhood feel?
I know it has only been a precious few days and I have a long way to go. Yet, In a nutshell, the arrogance of thinking I know the world all too well has been put in its place. I do feel like being at the jumping-off point of a 'Roller-Coster'. I'm all buckled up and ready. A little nervous. Surreal. Happy. Complete. And surely excited.
