Lessons on relationships!

Aren't relationships complex? And i mean all kinds of relationships.

I have been thinking about this for quite some time now. Ever since a good friend was found struggling in life just because a relationship with a friend became sour. X was questioning herself,  felt frustrated. Even felt inferior and went in to a shell.

Suddenly I realised X is doubting her self worth when that relationship soured. She had just come out of a bigger depression and had became a little more emotionally attached to this person. And in the process was actually throttling the other person as well. And she fell deeper in that well called depression.

Why do relationships sometime bring in so much pain? Wasn't relationships supposedly beautiful? I always thought a man cannot live alone. The human being in him starts growing as soon as he starts relating to people around him. And the dependent beings we are, it makes sense only if a relationship makes people happier and in the process better human beings. Of course the best times of my life are the times spent laughing with friends and family.

But does it always happen? More often than not, relationships hurt. The best of friends fight! Meeting relatives sometimes becomes a chore. You don't even want to meet the best friend from college. Why does it happen that way? Often enough we don't want to answer that phone call from the friend with whom you had spent eons with!

Why? Why? Why? How I wish the answers are as easy as the questions.

I don't have an answer as usual. But just three thoughts which made me write this.

1) May be man needs a space which should not be touched. And if that space is given, most of the relationships are bliss. May be it sours because we often trample that space.

2) May be in a relationship we expect people to respond to us the way we wanted the person to respond or the way we usually respond forgetting that people are born and made differently.

3) Also, we often forget the other human being has a life other than the small circle which was the relationship. He has a whole world other than you to live. And may be that is more important to that person than the relationship itself.

The solutions are complex of course. If they are simple the world would have been a better place. But give it a try.

Whoops! I have become a relationship consultant!

Are we competitive by instinct?

How did you finish your course so early?she asked! 'S' was taken aback. They are both meeting after many years. Colleagues in the previous place where both of them studied, life had taken them in different directions before bringing them together for a brief meeting. And this question was asked during this brief meeting.

Why couldn't have they exchanged pleasantries and wished each other well and just moved on? Both are doing fairly well. Both are living in two different cities, both are not competitors anymore in their businesses. But when they meet again, the competitive spirit which they had during their college days resurfaced; albeit slightly. 

This got me thinking! Are we competitive by instinct? Or have we developed the competitiveness as we grew up. Are some more competitive than others? Do we have that instinct to perform better than the other from birth? Or do we compete with others as we start growing up with them?

I remember a friend 'J' telling me that one of the life time achievement is to have got more marks than this person in their class 'X' board exams. Life time achievement? To get more marks than another? 

Some times that kind of competitiveness is scary! They can be morally hazardous too!

Can we teach the human kind to compete within rather than without? To compete with themselves. To be better people, to achieve their best, to be better than the previous me? Can systems which assess be tweaked to assess our previous best to the current best?

But then what will the world come down to if we stop being competitive? Imagine sport without the greatest of rivalries? I'm very sure that Nadal became a better player because he played against Federer! What if there was no Michael Schumacher around? Will we have a Hakkinen then? How do we push ourselves if we have nobody to compete with? The entire market economy will collapse, and the best of actors will find it difficult to motivate themselves to set bench marks.

What do you think folks? Which one do you prefer? Is competing with others good? Or competing with oneself better? 

The chaos of life!

Sitting alone in the Bombay airport got me thinking! What am I doing here? No this plan was not there same time yesterday. I was supposed to be in Trichy! Attending the wedding of one of the closer cousins. Yet, I don't regret being here at all. I mean, I seriously think I did the right thing by coming here and I'm excited for the meeting in Raipur tomorrow. Raipur? Now, that is where I'm headed to. Sorry for confusing you all enough. That is how my life is, even for me. Confusing!

I was in Chennai, Bangalore, Hosur, Salem, Trichy, Bombay, Raipur in the last two days and most of it was unplanned.

I think I like being indecisive. The chaos. The last four days have been absolutely chaotic and I liked that feeling. Somehow being decisive in the thought process, having the next ten years sorted out in life, planning well ahead of time for the future, saving money for the retirement, is just not me.

Does it irk the people around me? The other day even the often reticent dad sounded a little annoyed. Paavam, the wife had to take most of the brunt I presume. For I don't know where I'm going in the next two months. For I have delayed the decision till the last moment. And that means, that she also does not know where will she be in the next two years and may be after two years as well. And I'm at peace with that. Now, I'm seriously doubting whether it is okay to not get worked up and tense about the where's and how's of life.

I somehow just like the idea of going without much plans. Letting the situation hit you. Is plain laziness has something to do with it? Or is it just the personality?

Bring it on people! How do you respond to life? Do you like your life sorted out? Do you plan ten years ahead? Do you like planning for a tour two months in advance? Do you revel in doing things as it comes? Or have you already planned your children's education also?

The chaos or the planned serenity? What do you prefer?

Chruch, morality and grace

I'm born a Christian. Brought up in a fairly spiritual family. Through all my doubts and fears and questions have held on to the faith and look forward to many more years of christendom. I think, this is good enough reason to write to the wider Christian community. So here I am, bear with me!

Growing up, the image of the christian community that was impinged on me was of righteousness. Movies were taboo! Missing church on a Sunday is criminal. No TV at home. Jesus was the strict task master who punished every sin and every small innocent childish mischief. Though the ultra liberal dad did help in balancing, the church and the Sunday school always stressed on righteous living. Though the Youth groups I went to were a little liberal, the liberal nature of that youth group was thought of as a sin in the conservative circle.

And then through the tumultuous twenties and when Church started making sense, most of what was shared from the pulpit was again on righteousness! Holy spirit and worship were terms often thrown around. People who found it difficult to relate to difficult technical terms like those were looked down upon. So this church thought the other form of worship was unholy and the other church thought they were the sole proprietor of holy spirit. I had often looked down upon the young boy who stood outside the church and the man who came late. Very often I had felt 'Holier than thou'! and had taken pride in bashing the unholy.

I clearly remember one day we discussed on how a boy had fallen in love and he should not attend youth meetings! Recently I heard from a church that the members have banned another member because of some financial irregularities in his work place. I had even laughed at people who don't dress modestly during communion service. When people struggled with their faith, we thought they did not read the bible regularly. Questions on biblical integrity was often rebuked. You don't pray well enough, that is why you are asking such questions was often the answer! Somehow, deep within my heart there is this "I'm holier than the other" feeling that had crept in.

Well, I guess I have done enough of Church bashing. Now to some context to bring more sense.

When the maestro Ilayaraja said there were YouTube videos on how Jesus never rose again and he does not believe that Jesus is the Son of God, the Christian community is up in arms. There were posts on people asking him to apologize. One even read, "மன்னிப்பு கேழ், மன்னித்து விடுகிறோம் "! (Ask forgiveness, we will forgive). Oh, the high pedestal again. That we are better than you to forgive you

Deep within, there is this nagging feeling that God, the Yahweh God, is sad at me. 'Grace', is the word which HE wanted me to show the world. To put that arm around the hopeless, the faithless and the bitter. To accept people as they are, as sinners, as doubters, and as unholy.

I have to accept that I sincerely believe the moral fabric of the world can be built in the church! All my moral leanings are because they taught me righteous living. Yet with due regards to my church and my brought up, I believe the church has bigger things to offer than plain morality.

We are here to offer the world 'Grace'.

If, somebody does not believe in my doctrine I defend to death his right to believe and I will show only love to him.  If somebody has crossed my border of spiritual obscenity, I put my arm around him and say 'It is okay'. If somebody thinks his form of worship is better than mine, I don't mind. If somebody sins, Grace and nothing but Grace I show him.

I understand the need to insist on moral standings. If we are not taught the lines clearly, they blur after sometime. Yet, I draw my line and let you draw yours. And we both hug each other even if our lines are at crossroads.

And I say it again. We are here to offer the world 'Grace'

The inner man

Of course you lose some if you will listen to the conscience! Yes you may lose a lot of money, so what?  I can't cheat! Period, said she. It took me quite some time to comprehend that statement.

My sister, the person who has the strongest conscience I know off called me. Her conscience had pricked her so much that her voice choked. No, she had not murdered anybody. She as a doctor went to a hospital as a consultant, where an extra procedure which might have cost the patient extra was done.

She went straight to the church, put all the money that was paid to her in to the box there, told the hospital that she was not coming anymore and cried all the way back home.

This on the same day when three Indian political parties were bickering over a single Rajya Sabha seat. The discussions were on buying MPs! And on the same day, the Australian cricket captain and the so called leadership team decided to manipulate the rules of the game to win!

Is the conscience disturbingly loud for few and does not even talk for others? In that case, is there a way to keep the conscience loud?

I knocked on my conscience! Are you that loud too, I asked him! When was the last time you listened to me? he mocked. You don't keep listening to me, my voice gets drowned in the cacophony out there. said the conscience. But....but....I do hear your voice often! I replied feebly. Well, you don't listen. You hear me! came the reply.

Are we listening to the inner voice people?The voice called conscience. If not, may be his/her voice is slowly drowning out and may be one day he/she will stop talking! And if we don't hear the 'Don't do it" voice clearly the downfall may be steep! As the Australian leadership team is finding out now.

Listen! Don't just hear! 

When lives speak!

I am honoured to be in your presence, said he!

The audience was august. The who's who of Christian Medical College was there. Some of them, among the best doctors the country has seen. Few of them do world class research, the brightest brains. There were Harvard and Cambridge scholars in the crowd as well. Some of them could have lived multi billion dollar lives of the developed west, yet they have stayed back, just to work in India and serve the masses.

I have never been to a University. I don't belong here, he started slowly. His english was not up to the haughty standards CMC prides itself in. I have been here before to this institution as a few of my relatives work here, he stuttered; And then his life took over.

Over the next hour, his life shone bright. CMC gave him a standing ovation. Thrice! Three times we all stood up and clapped for this man, for his life spoke. And it was loud!

He is the son of a safai karmachari (manual scavenger). His parents cleaned up human excreta with their hands in the dry laterines of the olden India (What am I saying, they still exist). But he refused to be drawn in to the same demeaning job, though nobody gave him another. For those who understand caste system in India, he belonged to the lowest of the lowest tribes. The untouchables. Yet he refused to be called himself that! Rather he took the fight to the opposition.

He had single handedly united the many people who are made to do these menial jobs and has fought the might of an indifferent and unconcerned Indian government for over thirty years. And in the process has helped pass a law banning manual scavenging and helped rehabilitate thousands of workers in to better jobs.

Oh yes, the casteist Indian mindset had often come in the way. The lords of the supreme court has never punished one man in the last thirty years for misusing another human being, he said. His voice crackled. No, we don't get justice in this country, but I don't stop. I sensed a tear drop peeping out of my eyes.

Then he challenged the CMC community; the intellectual and sometimes class-conscious elite. Do you live in rigid structures created by the society? Oh yes, you don't let casteism in its true form come in to you, but is there a hierarchy that you live with? A hierarchy of the glass doors? A hierarchy where one human being is treated higher than another? I felt an uneasiness. Then the slap! And another! May be we felt his life speaking through the pricked conscience.

CMC stood up again when he finished! And again when he got his citation. And again when he answered the few questions. No you don't need university driven education to get standing ovations. You don't need the British accent or impeccable vocabulary to get standing ovations.

For when your life is so loud, the world stands on its feet!

Achievements of life!

I walked out of the airport and there was somebody carrying a board which read "Samuel Gnanadurai". I called him and off we went to the guest house which was booked for me!

Sounds very fancy, isn' it? Well if you are one of those who was fascinated by these like I was as a kid growing up, it does sound fancy. 

I thought those are the happy people. People, who has achieved so much in life that there is a car to pick them up. It has not stuck me this hard until yesterday when it happened for me twice in two days. I mean, I'm on a big travelling spree and out of the four boring flights, two had people waiting to pick me up. It stuck me hard that it does not mean that you are an over achiever and it means that somebody is gracious enough to pick you up. 

This actually got me thinking! What actually is an achievement then? If you are achieving something which had been a childhood dream, is it not achievement enough? Then most of the petty day to day things will have to be called achievements. 

In one of those travels I stayed with the most brilliant boyfriend I have! He went on to do study engineering in a famous IIT and then went on to design aircrafts. How cool is that? When we started talking and when the talk veered off to our lives, I could read from his mind that he is fighting off the same question. Is that all there is to life? That you settle down in your own two bedroom apartment among the glittery high rises of Bengaluru? Wasn't that an achievement as well, I asked! Yes it is; To buy a flat was a dream! Any day; But is that all? The question never really went away.

How do we define achievements of life? Does the very definition of achievements of one's life keep changing?Is it that important that we keep achieving something? Do we achieve anything in life? Can they be qualitative? I mean, like I'm happy, and so have I achieved? 

Oh! The question marks of life. How often do we answer such philosophical questions. What do you think folks?