20 years since the day that broke my heart!

Time flies! Yet memories linger on, like the afterglow of the sun lingering on the horizon. I can recall the day like it just happened yesterday. I can feel the pain as I write this. Phew, time hardly heals heartbreaks. 

I can understand if you thought I had had a failed affair. Yes, you are right. My first love, broke my heart this day, 20 years ago. 

Indian cricket team played Australia in the world cup final in Johannesburg. Of course, the Indian cricket team was my first love. As a passionate young man then, still in his teens, and playing district-level cricket tournaments, still harboring a dream of one day playing for India, cricket was all I dreamt. A World cup final win was all I wanted. Watching India beat Australia was all I lived for. 

When the world cup started, I was writing my class XII exams. Class XII examinations! The so-called most important phase of life. Yet, world cup cricket was all I cared for. 20 years since I don't remember one word of what I studied then. But remember everything about the cricket match on that day. I told you, I was in love with cricket. Whoever forgets love? 

India had a pretty good team. We had only been beaten once before we entered the finals. Once, but that by the invincible Aussies. But hope is a beautiful thing. We hoped that the finals will be different and we can beat the Invincibles. 

It was a hot day. My Indian parents had taken the TV off my radar; I was writing class XII exams you see. So I went to my uncle's house to watch the match. Listened intently to every word of what Mandira Bedi said in the pre-match session. Who forgets Mandira Bedi? Match started! First over. Zaheer Khan, one of India's greatest went on to bowl the worst first over in Indian history. I was still not panicking. When you are in love, the reality is hazy, I suppose. The writing was on the wall. Indian cricket team would not beat the Australian cricket team. Not that day. Not in a world cup final. 

The Aussie batsmen pummeled Indian bowlers. The captain scored a scintillating century. Then the Indian batsmen failed in the run chase. Every time a new Indian batsman walked in, the heart created a flutter. Perhaps this man will do it for us today, I told myself. Till the last man got out.

Then the long cycle back home. I cried the whole way back. As I entered home, my mom, the typical Indian mom started the tirade. "12th Exams ah vachikittu cricket paarthitu varaan paaru (You have exams, and you are watching cricket)". The penny dropped then! It hit me hard that the love of my life ditched me. I cried and cried and cried. My mom didn't know what has hit me. She perhaps didn't know my love then. 

Twenty years later, as I watched Australia defeat India yesterday, my mind took me back to those days. I don't cry anymore. Cricket is no longer the be-all and end-all of life. Not the first love for sure. 

Yet, there is a small portion of my heart that pained, even yesterday. Perhaps, first love can never go away. 

Truly, it is beautiful for a sport to be a teenager's, first love. Isn't it? 

Medical camp in a Eastern African village

 "We walk two days to sell the cows in the market; these days the cows are so skinny and tired that after two days of walking nobody is willing to purchase our cows", N said. You can see the pain in the eyes. Though the smile never left him. 

Drought in Eastern Africa is so severe that people living in remote places are managing to have only one meal a day. One MEAL! I tried doing it for a few days in the name of "Losing weight" and the headache was unbearable. There were children; most of those who looked 15 were carrying babies. 

I had just flown into a remote Tanzanian village with the govt health workers. If the phrase "in the middle of nowhere" has an address, that is the place. The place was dry and had absolutely nothing. We landed on a dusty dirt-filled airstrip. The pilot proudly said this is one of the best airstrips he has flown into.  As I got down from the tiny 6-seater aircraft I was a little surprised. I was imagining being taken to a village, but this place had absolutely nothing. Just plain barren land. A few minutes later people started to trickle in and slowly started assembling beneath one of the few trees. 

The six-seater dropped me off and went to pick up the health workers. Within a few minutes, four smartly dressed govt health workers from the nearest hospital 40 km away dropped in. Yes, you read it right! The nearest hospital is 40Kms far, or as 'N' put it, it is 40 km near. 

"So what do you do in case of emergencies, I asked". We walk to the hospital, said he. Walk? 40kms? yes, we do. It takes us 2 full days of walking. "But in case of emergency?", I asked again. "Yes sir, only in case of emergency we go to the hospital. For small illnesses, we cannot afford to walk the distance, lest we become sicker, he complained". I think it made sense for the sun was scorching hot. Even I, who has been born and brought up in the scorching hot plains of South India, felt the heat. In fact, my lips got burnt. Yet, the woman walked without chappals. They couldn't afford one. 

The smart health workers weighed the neonates. Checked on pregnant women. Issued vaccines to children. Even did a small house visit nearby. Before taking the flight back to their place. 

"Where did you learn such good English N", I asked him. Nobody else in that community could understand me. "Ah, I went to school in the city"; So what are you doing here, why can't you go and work in the city?  I was about to ask, when he replied, " I can't leave my people in this tragedy and be in a city". So I decided to be here and rear cattle instead. I had 21 cows a few years ago. I have 4 now. 17 of them died of hunger". My eyes were getting moist by now. Yet he smiled throughout the interview. 

A few hours away from that place, houses some of the greatest wildlife safaris in the world. Foreign passengers thronged the small airport. There were many small aircraft waiting to carry them all to the forests To get a glimpse of the grand spectacle of the jungle. I guess one day I will do it too.

With a questioning brain, a tired body, and an aching soul, I came back to my cushioned fancy bed and slept like a log. Tomorrow is another day at work; another day to complain about bumpy car drives, interrupted power supplies, and the absence of spice in the food. 

I just hope and pray, that in all the luxuries of the world and mundane complaints of my life, I don't forget to remember the pain and the suffering of the world. 

                            

In awesome ways I cannot see!

Once immediately after a church camp a friend and I was discussing our future. We were both in college then and the question about the future was imminent. We had just recently sung the song "In awesome ways, you cannot see, God will make a way" in the church camp. The discussion veered towards how in the future we will be led in awesome ways which we haven't imagined so far. Well, we had just come back from a church camp. The aftereffects of a camp take time to wither away, I suppose. We were still talking about God, you see! 

More than 20 years since that day, I look back and think of that statement again! I have done things that I hadn't dreamt in the wildest of dreams. Well, dreams show you things only that you know of. I'm living a life that I never even knew existed. Leave alone dreamt. 

One such dream happened today!

I boarded a small flight and flew around Uganda today! Yes, you heard me right. I flew in a 12-seater flight around an African country. Refueling twice. Landing in some of the remotest airfields in the world. 

A few of us boarded at a small airfield near the capital of Uganda. All of them are social workers who have dared their lives to serve the people around them. What am I even doing there?

We went to five different airfields in Uganda. Refueling twice. I met and spoke to some incredible human beings. 

Just to think my job entails this! What?? Why?? How?? I still pinch myself to check on the reality of it all. 

One of the airfields we landed had cows coming in between! COWS! Hundreds of them. We stopped our flight. Waited for them to cross. Started it again. In one airfield, children waited on the side of the runway, dancing to welcome one of the passengers. Different world for sure from mine. But isn't it incredible that such a world continues to exist in the same world as I exist? It is actually stupidly unbelievable that I never knew this world existed.  

"Sir, my eyes are failing. I need to be operated on, can you help me with this?", the chief of black cat security in one of the airbases asked me. I had tears. Didn't know how to answer. I promised him I will see what best I can do. The chief security officer of the airport in my city will have his eyes operated on the best of facilities. The best the world can offer. 

As I got into the last leg of the flight, one of my co-passenger from the US, who has worked a few weeks in South Sudan, asked, "Do you miss your son? I miss my children terribly, she said". My heart missed a beat! I took my phone and saw the picture of K. Ah, his smile! 

As much as I am thankful for providence to have opened my eyes to a world beyond me, I wish 'K' can learn to look at the world beyond him. 

Perhaps one day providence will show K the world in awesome ways he hadn't seen! 

                                                                                My flight

The runway we landed in Moyo (Bordering Uganda and south sudan)

The chief of blackcaps security of the airfield

    

    

                                                                        Airport - Adjumani

Can you see the cows crossing the runway? 

Children dancing to welcome a passenger

Taking stock of a year full of blessings!

Phew! What a year it has been. A year full of blessings; 

As I started to take stock, it warms the cockles of my heart like no other to visualize my son's smile, and that my dear ppl are the greatest blessing of my life and for that, I'm eternally grateful, for the year 2022. 'K' is 7 months old now, already climbing onto everything he can find! I guess I'm bracing up for the rough ride called fatherhood. For now, I'm truly happy. 

2022 had another major change! Another blessing. Change in a job which brought with it a change of places (back to my hometown) and a lot of travel, which I so loved. I seriously do miss my previous job and the people there. They are some of the best around. As the song goes, "Change is a strange thing, it cannot be denied and it can help you find yourself", I have found things within me that I didn't know existed before and for that, I'm truly grateful. Also, the new organization and my team have been extremely kind to accommodate me and my idiosyncrasies. 

2022 took me to places I did not know existed on the planet earth. I flew to the remotest corners of the world, where even google would find travel difficult. Learned how difficult life can be, and how privileged, or blessed, as my wife would prefer me to say, I'm! I think I needed that slap and wish I keep my senses open to the pain and the suffering the world is throughout my life and one of my wishes for 'K', as he grows up, is that God helps him understand his blessings and privileges and stay true to that. 

New friendships have happened! Old friendships have been renewed. 'N', once a hero, has become a close friend and a confidante helping me streamline my scatterbrain. The year also graciously allowed a few friends to start a dream project, something which 'Sh' the best friend, and I randomly dreamt about. We have become closer in the process as well. Though I do precious little for the project, It is something I'm extremely proud of. 

2023 comes with its own challenges! I look forward to a lot of travel, more time with a walking and a running 'K', a lot more reading, writing, and learning, more profound work, and more dreams coming true. 

Can 2022 be replicated all over again in the new year? I don't think I will mind another year of blessing! 

Happy new year, folks. 

Random ramblings about my happy place!

Do you all have a place that makes your heart full, where there is unbridled joy, where you are your absolute self, without any pretense, and makeup. The last two days I was in mine. 

This was the place where many years ago, as a confused young boy, hurting from a stinging defeat in life, aching from the loss of my mom, I found true meaning in life! Did I find life's meaning? Okay, that is too much to ask for! In any case, I found Joy and some contentment. 

It used to be my workplace many years ago! Imagine the place you want to be, being your workplace? Ain't that fun? 

Well, dreamy me moved on from there! Leaving my heart and soul and everything else there. 

Dreams are made of sterner stuff I presume, for it pulled me out of the comfortable, happy, and the contented world I had lived in. Perhaps, once I stop dreaming, I will go back there and just hope and pray that the place will welcome me like they welcomed me yesterday. 

So what makes that place create that flutter in my heart, I asked myself! Here is me digging for answers. 

Is that a flawless place? 

No definitely not. It is flawed, as flawed as any other place is. Perhaps even more so than the various other places of work I had been in. 

Do they do pathbreaking work? 

I suppose they do? But so do many other organizations. Does pathbreaking meaningful work contribute to the happiness my heart warrants? Perhaps so; One box ticked. 

Perhaps these are personal preferences! Perhaps there isn't a perfectly happy place and I'm just emotionally attached to a place. Perhaps looking for reasons for one man's happiness and trying to replicate that is foolhardy. Perhaps, one human's happiness is another's sorrow. 

Yet the truth remains that there is a workplace on this hated earth, which gave me happiness like no other! For that I'm truly eternally grateful! 

This is what I had written about it then.

https://samszammy.blogspot.com/2017/01/dream-team-my-work-place.html

How big were you woman?

"Are you her son sir"? "Oh my God! Sir, that woman was something else. She was god. Her smile, that can cure people"

I randomly met a gentleman in a shop nearby. Since I have recently moved into the town I grew up, after many years, one of my hobbies is to randomly walk into a new shop and drink or eat something. My motor mouth always ends up having conversations, and it invariably turns toward the mom. My great mom! Sometimes, I show off; More often the conversation steers from "Where do you live", to "Oh that hospital had a great doctor", and then shyly I tell them, she was my mother. 

As we were having the conversation, the man's wife entered. Sir, that woman was a god! I came for her funeral and it took me one whole month to come out of it. In our village, everyone just has such high regard for her. If only......I knew where the conversation was headed. I had to stop there. 

My mom had the advantage of being an OGcian. That means families, especially women go to her at some of the most vulnerable periods of their life. Also, some of the happiest moments of their lives are celebrated when she is around. Yet, for a town to celebrate a woman who lived just 25 years of her life in the town is incredible. 

I think I'm now beginning to enjoy conversations where Amma is exalted. This has not happened once or twice. It happens every time. Everywhere I go. My trainer in the gym. The barber. The neighbour next door. My grocer. For a long time, I'm someone who gets embarrassed at being introduced as the son of the doctor. Now, not only am I enjoying the adulation, but also reaping the benefits and the perks of being born to her. 

The dad and I are the show off's. We pride ourselves on being of some influence on someone. Then there was this woman. Quiet. Shy. Petite. Pantophobic (afraid of everything) Never knew the world. Never crossed a road on her own. Never have driven a vehicle. Never read a book. 

Yet there is a small yet buzzing town out there in the world that has her in its hearts. I'm not sure how many more stories are hidden in her tomb. Humbling! 

How big were you actually, woman? 

The wonder on his face!

The crying stops abruptly. The eyes come out of its socket like it was never meant to be there. The never to be seen neck carrying the heavy head keeps turning 180' in both directions. Karun, my 6-month-old is seeing the world! No, not for the first time. Every time, when we step out of the house. Every single time. 'Wonder' written on his face. 

So I decided to get into his brain and see the wonder the world is, through his eyes! 

So where do I start? 

Step out and see the huge tree. The leaves are green and beautiful. But does his brain comprehend colour and size? I mean, how will he know the difference between green and yellow? What will big and small mean? Are the plants big? Are trees big? Is an elephant big? Or is the goat big? 

When something moves, his eyes widen! How does the brain understand movement? For example, one day I saw a small skink (பாம்பு ராணி ) move around in my backyard. My adult brain immediately said, skinks aren't harmful; It is just going from one hiding place to another. I just ensured it doesn't enter the home. Now, how does a skink moving around register in Karuns' brain? I'm sure the first time he sees one, there will just be the sense of wonder! But why exactly does it appear wonderful? Isn't it just an object moving? Can sheer movement inspire wonder? 

The other day, there was a peacock at my home. As beautiful as a peacock dance, it sings horribly! The sound was piercing my irritated ears. Yet for Karun, the sound meant something. It meant something he hadn't heard before! He doesn't know it is the peacock. But every time the peacock sings, or tries to imitate the cuckoo as my brother puts it, Karun gets excited. The wonder on his face comes back! 

Ah, the wonderful world! Where did I lose the wonder of it all? Does monotony stain the brain so much that it has started to rust? Is boredom a by-product of the loss of wonder? Can I remove the rust off my wonder genes and make my life more interesting? 

The questions my brain throws at me on a Friday night!