Death - The ultimate enemy?

I keep coming back to my blog, even when i am sad, for this is where i think i am more 'me'. A hell lot of emotions are going through my mind today and sorry if this write up does not make sense to you.

My uncle died yesterday night, probably due to a massive heart attack. He was my "gnana thagapan" (A title given to three senior people in a family for each child born to guide the parents in growing the child). The death was a real shock to the entire family as he was doing well of late. But these things happen, i presume! Life moves on Sam, I told myself.

 Just two days before he was talking to me over phone;I never thought that would be my last conversation with him. My mom was pulling his legs saying we should see another bride for him as he looked trim and had cycled his way home. Even as my family mourns and conducts his last rites, I am sitting here in another part of the country thinking about him, all that he did for us, all that he asked us to do for him, his funny antics and every other thing! Well, finally, everything goes out for a toss, when man lay down in that casket.

He was planning on a family tour, had planned to buy some land, and had planned to cook some dry fish the last day! But, everything came to a standstill yesterday. Well, all our planning, will also be put in to that same casket i think. Is this it? Is this all there is to life? Probably there will be another bright day, when all will be forgotten and our pace of life will catch up to us. Once a year, that too, for some time, we might remember him, but then? Does that mean, man finally had to lose to death, the ultimate enemy?

No, my mind refuse to accept defeat. There is hope. There seems to be some light at the end of the tunnel. May be, we might all meet in heaven at last. What a joy that would be to meet mama and listen to his stories. Yes! there is hope; Death cannot be the end; Death can be and will be conquered. Not through science though, but by that divine hope!

Rest In Peace, mama! we will all meet you there.

Ah brotherhood!!!

Once in a television debate show, they showed this scene; Elder siblings sat on one side of the setting and younger siblings sat on the other side. The debate was on how the siblings had hurt each other. Furious words flew across; I was just hoping nobody throw the mike straight on to his siblings nose. Phew!!! I have rarely seen such anger, disappointment, on the people's faces on that particular show for any other debate. I just could not comprehend;

Don't take me wrong. I did not grow as a single child. I have a brother too! and an younger brother.But,I always thought the concept of siblinghood is one of the greatest inventions of God. Why? Do i have such a good one? I think, I have to agree on this. I have one of the best brothers one can ever have. That debate showed me, why i have to be grateful for having Dan as my brother. Some times, words mislead! Writers exaggerate using colourful words; And many times i ve done that too, but i ve tried not to do that here, at least in personal blogs and so I mean every word of what is said here.

I wanted to explain my brother here, his sporting talents,our relationship, our innumerable useless conversations and all that makes him great; but then, I resist the temptation and will finish off with this. 

The tag "Best brother" sits on him better than anything else. Period.

Manjuka - My sweet sister!!!

I really think God sends some special angels to make us happy, to be the person whom you rant to, who knows you upside down, who will be happy for you and sad with you, to be the first person you sms when you just want to talk to somebody; You know the kind i mean, those wonderful people who make the world more livable just by being in it.

I think, I am luckier than most people. I have quite a few like that. But, Manjuka is special. It is almost a decade since I came to know her. She came to my life when life was in its lowest ebb. I had just failed to get an entry in to medical college by a whisker. I was getting in to depression. Not many people,not even my parents(my closest friends) knew how much i was hurting. She shook me out of that hole, became my biggest friend and soon became a part of my family.

Life has changed a lot; Manjuka got married, and became busy with work and family! We hardly talk to each other these days; Some times we do message. But, some people just cannot go away. you know they are just there, deep in your heart. Just there, a phone call away. Just there, a two hour flight away. Those are the people who make living rich. Today when she called me, just to say that 'hi', I knew how much i love her.

Love you akka, for everything you had been to me, for being there whenever i need you, for your prayers, for your support, for your words. Love you for all these. But, love you more for just being that sweet angel God sent for me:)

Too much of corruption?

Corruption is the hot topic these days. Anna Hazare and his fasting habits have already started to have implications in the Indian middle class. The Indian middle class, with known appetite for gossips in cricket, bollywood and the political gimmicks are talking about how India as a country has been pegged with corruption. Even, luncheons on diwali afternoons were not spared.

The family I stay with in Delhi (Should write about them once!), was invited for a diwali lunch in their friends house. After the usual Tamil style hello's and how are yous, we settled down, as usual men in the hall and women in the Kitchen and the kids running here and there(How i wish i was one of them!). Nobody knew what to talk to the other, and in a typical Tamil manner conversation started off with education. Slowly we moved on to business, politics and finally settled down on the issue of corruption.

Almost every body there except two of us were central government employees, with one working in the CAG(remember CAG of the famous 2G?). We touched on every topic possible, from the why's and how's of corruption, to who is corrupt, to the India Against Corruption,and to the allegations. Everybody had an opinion on everything possible, and finally we shook hands and came out.

I enjoyed the small break, but i had to agree I would have liked a different topic on a diwali day. Don't mistake me, I am a hard core nationalist! I love my country and love every debate on our country. But,I really really feel that we are over playing the corruption card. Yes, the country is corrupt, the politicians stink of corruption, and we don't associate our bureaucrats with honesty. But i have a feeling, that at some point we will have to start looking inward, and for that to happen we must stop talking about them.

After a happy day of politician bashing, sadly i went back to the very same life!

Getting Old!!!

I am pretty sad today. Well, reality some times stare back at you! It was one of those days, where nothing really big happened but a small incident, make you think deep. I suddenly realized my dad is becoming old. Old? not old by world standards; To be frank, not old enough to call him aged still. He is 53 and still has plenty of life in him. But, still, he is no longer the sharp mind he was.

I got irritated today, when he was not able to understand how the "Track changes" work in the microsoft word. I wanted to say, " apply your mind, plz"; Then, in a flash of a moment i realized, he is not the same anymore. The mind, which taught me to apply hypotenuse theorem to calculate the degree of our solar panels, the mind which taught me how an auxanometer works so brilliantly that i still remember every word of what he taught me that day, 15 long years ago, the brilliant mathematical mind which i had often been amazed at, is no longer the same.

I ve heard life will come one full circle and you will become child like again. I ve seen my grand parents some times behave like that. Is this the start of that process for my dad?

Emotion bound, my heart says, 'YES'!!!

Sivakasi

You don't miss home, as much as on holidays. Especially Diwali, and if you belong to Sivakasi there is nothing like it. Though I was not born in Sivakasi, most of my childhood and early adulthood have been spent there. Life in the small towns has its advantages, and Sivakasi had tons of them. It was, still very much is, a rich town. As the world knows, fireworks, crackers and matches are a flourishing industry in that little town.

Nothing was very aesthetic about Sivakasi, and i don't want to use words like fabulous, amazing etc to explain my town. But, I can surely say, Sivakasi is one of the hardest working towns in the country. I can say this with a fair degree of conviction having traveled widely across the country. There was a saying," people who comes to Sivakasi will survive " and that saying holds good even today.

When i look back at the times i spent there, happiness is one word that comes to my mind. We were a happy lot; Yes, we did not have the shopping malls, the air conditioned theaters, KFCs. But, who wants them all; The open grounds, the roof top hotels and more importantly the ever open houses of friends made life all the more memorable.

Life has changed much, but nothing has been as memorable as standing there under the tree shades and talking for hours, or playing cricket on the dusty YRTV grounds or eating those parrotas with friends. Well, truly it can never be the same again.

I miss my home; I miss my Sivakasi.

Father's eyes

I love the song "Father's eyes" by Amy Grant. Those of you, who have not heard Grant before, please do. She has been referred to as the "Queen of christian pop", and remains the best selling contemporary christian singer ever.


"Father's eyes" is one of Amy's best songs. I love the lyrics, so also the music. There is something in that song, which make me hear it one more time; May be, those words "father eyes" has that pull.


The words goes like this

"Eyes that find the good in things
When good is not around
Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found
Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain
Knowing what you're going through, and feelin' it the same"

The father's eyes had it all; The good, the compassion, that sense of knowing what you are going through. My eyes, do they have it all? I wish I have them!

My father's eyes.

Next step

Well, it has been some time since i came here and one of my fans started complaining(Ahem!!!). I was just a bit busy and could not sit on the computer for some time. Such a show off na? Anyways, we will go straight to the matter. My close friend,a dear brother to me, a person whom I ve looked up to in a lot of areas of life got caught today! yes, you are right. He got engaged. Mr. Samuel Harris, our gang leader is losing his bacherlorship in a soon to be conducted wedding.

This news, got me thinking about how life moves on. I was reminded of the many times we have all been together playing as kids, laughing like crazy, pulling others legs. He was the one who took me to write an entrance exam when i was in class XII (God! that was loooong back). Suddenly we were together again in Chennai, organizing programmes in Churches, thinking of various ways to make India grow (we really did :P). Life really moves on, is it not?

Two things stuck me hard today! one, soon and very soon, I might have to take this step, this next step, huge one, probably the biggest step ( blush! blush! blush!) and the other one......Well, age does not spare anyone.

Driving through life's lessons

When the clutch is released and the car wizzes off the road, Whoa! what a feeling that is. With Amy Grant or Abba singing in the background, on an eight lane road, with just the bit of traffic you need to drive, on a Swift Dzire, and of course with the early morning breeze! There are not many words in English to describe that feeling except the word, Whoa!

Then you turn left, and enter a road, under construction for the last ten years. You look ahead and see 500 cars on the next signal, and with a crazy IT professional behind you honking as if the moment he enters office he will save the country, and a small girl with a child on her shoulders begging for your throw away coin on your side window; Whoa, became a silent, gosh! who the hell invented these cars? what are these people doing here without any work (forgetting that you don't have any work there either!) 

Life in those two pictures, is what life has been in the entirety. Some beautiful days with so much to thank God for and the very next moment, cribbing and yelling, saying it has not been fair enough!

Did n't I tell you, I am becoming a philosopher? See, I am learning life's lessons, even by driving a car!!!

The crazy me!

I always wonder, why i can't live the normal life that people do. Why I had to be like this? When the entire world said IT was the best thing that has ever happened to the country, my mind said "chuck it". When everybody around said Chennai is the best place to be, with all the developments, my mind said, "Pack off". When hell broke loose at my thoughts of going to the interior jungle of Assam, my mind said, well, actually it did n't say anything. It just remained cool and calm.

I believe that there are some crazy, and if i can use the word 'cranky' people in the world; But why should that be me? Every once in a while, I get up and wonder, just like that, why exactly I am doing all these things? Why, my mind, rather my heart, just resists the temptation to Join a good 'B' school and settle down in life? and sadly, why i suddenly want to study, a thing which i had never liked, all my 25 years?

My friend says, "I listen to what my heart says and don't think". Why is that happening to me? Why should I be that person who listen to his heart and not my mind? Ah, question marks, question marks, question marks. They have always been there. Answers, as usual are rare!

Anybody there with one? 

When your friend is just not alright

I don't believe in the waves. The short waves and the long waves. No, not those, which were taught by your physics teacher! Those things actually never entered my brain. When our physics sir taught me the wave theory, I almost thought they are from Mars or Venus. It was way over my head. That is not the point anyway, I am talking about the waves which people say unite you and your friend, or you and your parents! Have n't you heard of that? When I sneeze, I am told, somebody somewhere is thinking about me or when you are not doing well your sweet heart will know some thing is wrong, from another planet. You are with me? I was talking about those waves which carry your feelings!  I ve always thought, that was crazy!

But, today something in me said, call. Call your friend. You have that uncanny feeling no? when you just had to call that friend and say "Hi", even when you have not talked to them for some time, or even thought about them for quite a long time, when you have enough headache's in your backyard? I probably don't know to put it across in words. Yes, I'm not good with words, i agree. Whatever.

I just wanted to say that there is some thing remarkably sensitive about relationships, and I mean those solid relationships we have, that we can almost sense what is happening with the other person. Probably some wave, or some thing else. Human feelings! those sensitive human feelings! I bow.

Without them, probably,i won't be a human.

Coke and a lonely road!

I love coke! I really do. My mom hates me for this, but, can't help it. When that first sip you take, haaaaaa! it feels like heaven. They say, they add this water, that water, not good for health, life will be reduced in to half, and all sorts of non - sense. No, it may make sense, but not for me! For me, that first sip, and the haaaaaa! after that makes much more sense. Leave it, sense or no sense, does not matter. And, have you ever walked along a lonely road. Where, only a car will speed you by once every ten minutes? I am a bit crazy, I really am! I love those roads. I think, i love that silence, with that wizzzzz those car makes.

And, when you walk along such a road with a coke in hand? Don't ask me how it feels!!!

People, not their tags plz!!!

I am reading the book "freedom at midnight" by Dominique Lapierre and Larry Collins. Classic! an absolute classic. Not many better researched books you can see. They brought before me the entire episode of our independence. Sad, a french man and an American had to tell me this! I some how missed hearing the independence tales, those heart wrenching scenes, from my own grand parents. I miss them now! at least for this!

Okie, I am going off the track now. Coming back, It is still hard for me to believe, that we were divided just because one is a Muslim and the other a Hindu! Come on, is n't that very childish? I remember playing as a kid a game called country, where we separate our lands in to different countries. I don't play that anymore, nor do i intend to. I have grown up, you see! Never, in my memory have i been in a different team or a group, because i am from this community or i follow this religion of this sect or whatever the hell you call them.

No, it hurts! simply hurts, when people look at you differently just because you are born in a certain family or you have certain ideas. I look everybody as humans, Homo Sapiens; at least to my eyes, every man look the same. Plz people plz,  we are all human beings first, Christians next; human beings first and one of those million castes next.

I know this is a heavy post! Can't help it. We can't afford to lose anything anymore; We have already wasted enough blood. The research of Lapierre and Collins confirms this!

Tradition - there is something in it!

I went to a new church today. No, not a new church. It is 175 years old. New for me; Did i tel you why i went there today? I was late for my usual church and so had to go to a place where the service starts late(Lazy morning!!!). Boy, that church was a sight! 175 years is a loooong time, i think. The broken floor, the huge pillars, the dome shaped architecture, and yes, the giant pipe organ was there as well. Some thing very enticing about it! seductive would be a better word.

The best part about the church was the service; The traditional Anglican service, where you sing every thing. I have to admit, I would prefer a simple service. Then, what is the fun of doing the ordinary things, in such a traditional place? I loved every bit of what went on. It was fun! It was sacred! It was probably holy!

Traditions, they have a place in my life. I love them; There is some thing in it. Some thing in the brahminical weddings you attend, where you don't understand anything, still, the serenity, the sacredness of it all; Some thing in those traditional cover drives, in those traditional festivals, in those mozart's classics, in those wooden houses;

True, the life i live does not have time for most of the traditions. But, funny, they hang on; they are just there. Those traditions. I love them; There is some thing in it! Some thing very enticing! very seductive!

Memories!!!

So, a good old friend, was reminiscing about her past. About how much she missed her college choir and the practice and the fun, blah, blah, blah. How people become philosophers when they think about the past! after all the pulling legs, which always happens when your friends reminisce, I went in to the world of my own. Oh, those days! those glorious days!

Very very true, you become a philosopher, or a kind of sage, when memories come in. Those happy memories! Sad memories too! It really really feels good when I think of the match i played in (some times i even remember the shots i played), the times when i went on a tour with my friends, when i organized the programme in the church, the hotels I went to with my friends, the trips with the families, the singing in the choir, times spent alone with mom dad and brother. Funny, it feels equally good when I think of the matches lost, the fights with close friends, the time when maths teacher scolded me or when i stood in front of the principal's room the whole day.

Hail those memories, the good ones and the bad ones; It makes life worth living, every minute!

Good old friends

Instant coffee, Fast food, ready made shirts! we live in a fast world, don't we? the other day i was wondering how fast the people in my generation have become. you blink twice and the world will be two days ahead of you. Some times it is thrilling, to be in the fast lane; some times feel like, what the heck?

Anyway, what i meant to write here was about the good old friends! yup, that is why that intro had to come. Online friends have become the fashion these days. Sit in the computer, chat for few days, on a known topic, you agree on a few points, a best friend emerges. See a good looking friend's friend's friend's photo on facebook and another best friend! I even got an sms, asking, need friends? guess, they sell friends too.

Thinking of these took me to those grand old school days, where some friendships were formed. Sitting on a broken bench or lying under a tree shade, talking of things not worth a dime, arguing as if life depends on it, fighting, yelling, some times just sitting there.  Many of us have seen our friends go through a lot, so much so that we can even sense what is happening with the other. These days, many of us are not in touch, but when we need a good, hard talk, they will always be there. I suppose they are friends, more than anybody else. good old friends!

Why blog?

Now, you got to be kidding! why do you want to write a blog? I berated myself for the 177th time. Possible, I wanted to show myself off to this world! It could also be that i wanted to change the world, with my writing (wink! wink!). Be the change, you want to see has almost become a cliche (Type 'be', and google gives the remaining). Could it be my hobby? I really don't know...

I read somewhere that blogging helps you cleanse yourself ! Joking? Why should you sit in a computer to be cleansed? Okie! did i think, i can get some really good, caring, loving, friend for life. I mean , the online friend (Whatever they call it). Probably i just wanted people to read what i write and give comments on that. I, I really don't know....

Though all these questions runs through my mind, I just want to ramble along here. I just wanna do it!!!  Online friends, hobby, changing, cleansing, all of them are my defense, but,

It is in the true sense, My life, My views. Period.

It goes on.....

The earth shook, puked, wrestled, it shuddered! Blew everything off! every damn thing. People? Well, people, some lost! some didn't last!some thrown! some threw! Chaos, confusion, emotion, commotion, heartbreaks and well, finally it stopped. No, actually, it didn't stop; It just went on and on and on!

hope you are not lost?

The other day i was wondering about man's ability to move on in life. The worst tragedies, hardest of heartbreaks, the greatest of disasters just pass by! I went to Gujarat as a part of the rescue team during the horrible earthquake. Man, what a disaster, it was? Then i saw another in my very own state. A tsunami, they called it. oh! destruction of an unimaginable scale! yet, man moved on. Life simply moved on, and so has people!Against their wishes sometimes.

The earth in all its magnificence and grandeur, whenever it misbehaves, has not stopped one bit. " The day the earth stood still", might never happen! or when it happens, we might not be there to witness that. But, till then, it goes on, round and round , teaching man, that "It goes on".

Man, probably, has learnt his lessons well!!!

Apple's never die

Do you know the three apple's which has changed the way we live? Well, of course, the apple which Eve ate that day changed how humans live, forever. The second one was, rather an accidental one. The apple, which fell on Isaac Newton's head! Have you heard that story? Who would not have? The second one changed some lives as well, at least those who have read about a word called "gravitation".  The third had to be, Steve Jobs, Apple!

When i was a small boy, I knew only the first two. The first one, from my Sunday school days and Isaac Newton's one from my physics teacher. I never knew a third apple existed, until one day my friend showed me a sleek, white, product which he called the Ipod. We both listened to some songs from that and of course, i loved it! who will not? My pockets, rather my dad's pockets being small, could not afford me one, but Ipod always had a place in my heart. So much so, that when i bought an Mp3 player, i called that my Ipod.

Then came the I-phone; The non-techie i am, could not unravel all the mysteries in that phone (I still am a Nokia guy), yet, the day i touched my friends phone gave me goose bumps. Then i heard from another friend of mine, about the i- tunes. What an idea ji, i thought!

Finally, after coming to work, i got a chance to work with one of the "i" products. I-Mac, with a snow leapord OS and 8 GB of ram and an i7 processor. What an experience, it was! Hurray! even i have worked with an "i" product, rather, an "Apple" product.

Hats off, Steve Jobs. I am not a techie, I am rarely attracted by machines. " I am a people person", i always boast. you made me, even me, feel the "techie delight".

Hope your Apple remain in the "Apples that changed the world" category. At least in my mind, it will. Rest in Peace.

Life in the metro's!

Here I am, in the capital of the Indian subcontinent. A dream place, for many youngsters (I am still young, you know) like me. Delhi, is the place to be, with all the economic growth and development (Or whatever!!!). Especially after the CWG, Delhi has become modern, na, ultra modern, they say! The roads are neat and clean, there is green every where and definitely the metro travel has made, life here sophisticated.

The shopping malls, the KFCs and the coffee days are still there. They were there in Chennai as well, and in Bangalore, and in Kolkata and in Hyderabad! and they say these days, even in the Tier II cities they are there. Well, cities, are the modern world. modern India! India, lives in its cities. Mahatma Gandhi, probably was wrong, when he said, India lives in its villages.

I love these cities, with all its plush and pompousness. Life is made so easy; The travel, the communications, availability of everything, next door, makes city living easy. Easy, simple, pomp, plush are the adjectives i can recollect, when i want to write about the metro's, rather, the cities. But, happy? such an adjective never turns up. I am afraid that city life has become such a monotony, that the happiness of playing hide and seek, the thrill of swimming in the lake, the fun of playing cricket with your friends, or even the serenity of the family time are being lost out.

I went for a jog along a garden here, and was startled by a scene, which clearly depicted the life we live in the cities. A man, was laughing out aloud, and sadly alone! It is called laughter therapy, it seems. Sad, he had to laugh alone and to think that we were doing this all the time in my place!

Sad, the modern man in the cities, had to be taught to laugh and made to laugh alone! and sadder still, he had to do it, because it is a therapy!

Life is so simple, isn't?

Hmmm..... I am in a writing mood today. I just want to write, write and write all day. Some days, you would sit down to write some thing, mind draws a blank. Other days, it just flows out. Funny! Today, i can ramble on this blog, till, of course, my laptop shuts down. So, i have to speak about some thing here.

Meanwhile, i realized, life is so simple! Every where i look around to see, the world is full of simple things. The leaves, the trees, the wind, the sun and the moon, the stars in the night, one with a pretty pink tinge to it, one a bit bright, one with more twinklings, the cats and the dogs, all of them has some thing remarkably simple about them; don't they? They, are the same, don't change often, follow the same routine, Yet! they have an uncanny beauty to them. Simplicity beckons beauty, it seems!

When i analyze my life(Ahem!), my early childhood, days when innocence was natural, drinking meant rasna, Dad was the only hero, Love was "mom's hug", the highest place on earth was dad's shoulder, the only things broken were the toys, failures did not have any implications, and goodbye's are meant till tomorrow, everything was simple as well!

Where did it all became the complicated life, we have made it out to be? may be, life is still simple! We just assume it to be complex.

Now that i have rambled along, and you have read it, I think i can close it off with this. Life is so simple you know, when you just have to say, thank you lord, for making me, me! Hope i have not made it look complicated!

Why, i had to love my country

When you have been living in a place for more than quarter of a century, you either have to love it, or hate it. There cannot be a grey line in between. well, of course, unless you live in India! With such diversity, you almost lose count of the variety which India could give you. It has almost become a cliche to say " India is diverse", I think, even i have mentioned once before here.

But, with so much of India bashing going around, you some how get the feeling of, shaking the dust of your feet and say, Ah, India ain't good! I was almost made to say that, till i realized, actually, this has been the country, which i had loved so much. Loved so much, for the colors, for the people, for all the chaos, the noise, for the hills, for the rivers, for the seas and the mountains and everything so remarkable about this country.

Only India, yes! the word ONLY had to be in caps here, can have so much noise, yet bring in such serenity to be called the land of sages; can have so much confusion and also bring in a sage like monotony; Can have so much beauty wasted and yet bring in that 'wow', too many times; Well, i can go, on and on and on. With a very heavy heart, I accept! yes, there are certain issues in my country that needs immediate attention. There is too much poverty, to feel happy about; corruption has almost become a part of life, and of course, the filth, the dirt and the crowds are sometimes suffocating.

In all these, there is something, an un explainable something in my country. Maybe it is the diversity, may be it is the cultural, religious manifestations of over a thousand years, or maybe i just want India to be like that. Yes, maybe, i am so determined to love it despite all its short comings.

But, I just had to love my country; because i live in India! 

My mom

Sam di chellam, is the first word heard when i call my mom. Love drips along her words. As is with mom's, my mom has given her everything to us. Every bit of thing. It seems she went to some church to ask God for me and got me, or some story like that. That is why she has named me "Sam".

Ma, is the typical south Indian village woman. No! she came from a village called Madras. Since, she married this crazy man (my father, of course), she has grown by leaps and bounds. She has learnt to talk in a phone, learnt to travel alone, operate television on her own, learning to cross the road, and of course she has learnt to live with him. All these are difficult things by her standards!

 Me and mom are poles apart, or probably planets apart. yes, they say, i resemble her, i stole her smile and all that; yet, i think, i am more of my dad than my mom. At least i think so; But, for her loving is so much that difference don't matter. She does not travel much, but has never said no to me, even, when the travel had risks with it. She is strictly vegetarian, but just because i love eating non vegetarian, she cooks them without even a tinge of emotion in killing them. And, did i tel you? she is an excellent cook!

I tried many words to explain ma. Wrote a sentence, overturned it, rewrote it and finally deleted it. Words are too complex to speak about her I think. She is too simple for all these words. Love, is all she is, and has been.Period.

Love you ma! for giving your everything, for listening to all my non sense, for allowing me do them, for...........But above all for those " Sam di chellams" I long for whenever I call you.

Chasing the wind

What do people get for all their hard work in lives. What do they chase? should it be "WE"? The sun rises and the sun sets, hurriedly it goes back to rise again. The wind blows north, then south, then north again. Round and round it goes. Saturdays and Sundays come, and they come all over again. Nothing is new in itself. Every new thing is old thing happening to new people, said a scholar. Was not he spot on?

Back to the chase. I was wondering what on earth are we chasing? Money? power? a journey on a airbus? or probably to another country? Are they all that is! Now, I have given up trying to find out the meaning of life in vestiges of words long back. Still, the turmoil i feel? I still am going to fight every bit of what it throws at me. But, the chase has never left me.

Of course, there was another life I lived. Where probably I was more me. I laughed, read every book there, wrote, wrote and wrote, went around to catch the lighted insects (or whatever), listened to loud silence, played horrible guitar, climbed dark hillocks, sang loud, watched rain drops forming patterns, chat with kids all day long!I gave it all up, probably to be that, what people define  as "success".

But, probably life is all about change. Some good, some great, some i'd not wish upon anyone, but change nonetheless. The memories are great. Some times, that is what make life more beautiful. What do we chase? the question still haunts. I don't have an answer. Possibly, there is no one answer! I don't want there to be an answer either.

Dearest pa

Appa, that word gives a buzz in our ears no! well, in mine it does.  Over the years, me and my appa has shared an exciting relationship. From the day i ever touched him, to this day he has been my best friend. Of course, there have been many other best friends, but, not to many i would phone up daily and talk for hours. No, not any! So naturally, daddy has been special.

Perhaps, we both are too alike. Both of us had been extremely cool, calm and collected (should i use the word lazy) and had been extremely crazy at times. What am i saying! we still are. He was the one who said "Go along" , when i made that cranky decision to quit cognizant and went on a pilgrimage to Assam. Probably, he knew, even otherwise i would have gone. yet, that said, whatever happens, he will be there with me. And, stood with me, he did! as a rock, when i made the worldly brilliant decision to prepare for civil service.

When i look back, through my tumultuous school life and a sage like sane college life, his support has been amazing. His support has been absolute, no questions asked! if that is what i thought it is, that is what i would do! Yes, the underlying principle has always been, my responsibility. Yet, decisions which back fired, always had had him standing there, holding me.

Love you dad, i would say! for loving me (Now, that is a cliche), for being my best friend, for the support, guidance, for whatever! but, love you more, for helping me learn lessons, my way!

Dreamz

Dreamz!!!

I am going through a period in life, where there seems to be so much time and so little work done, and so much work to do with no time to do them. Sounds confusing? Well, we all go through them, don’t we? I call those periods dreaming; nay, day dreaming.  What is life without them!

I have had some crazy dreams. I want to be the rich man, going around in a rolls royce helping the poor; I have wanted to be the prime minister. Of course, I have wanted to be the batsman Sachin would love to watch. I wanted to play basketball in the middle of a sea, go around the world without any money, be a journalist who never writes, go on a vacation to moon, born in a family of ten brothers, marry the richest, most beautiful and the brainiest woman in the world ( Wackiest I think)  and the crazy list goes on.

May be I am a bit adventurous, may be not! Yes, I do have dreams to work in a big corporate, earn big money, be the child parents wanted, win the school cricket match and go out for long trips with friends. Some of those dreams had even come true. I have had that “dream come true” feeling. It is good. Actually, great! But, life without those crazy dreams?

I start dreaming again………of course, day dreaming!!!